Monarchs Week 4 News And Notes

by Simon Chan

For the first time this season, no Monarchs were inflicted with the dreaded Monarch Thigh. SS/3B Amanda Sturies was especially delighted with being able to avoid Monarch Thigh for the first time all season, but also seemed to take too much pleasure in watching a member of the opposing team go down with the same injury.

“I’m good to go – no Monarch Thigh tonight! That guy on the other team who needs a pinch runner totally has Monarch Thigh though,” she said repeatedly with a slightly twisted grin.

The team was also glad to see C/OF Adam Dingle return after a one game absence with what was initially diagnosed as a vaginal sprain. However, it was learned that the vaginal sprain had had a cascade effect and led to a rectal sprain, which resulted in an upset stomach. This was easily explained by both Sturies and 2B Erin Melanson.

“Erin and I were taught at our Catholic high school that it’s possible for all those tubes inside to get crossed up. That’s probably what happened here,” Sturies said.

“Yeah, and we know that a Catholic school would never lie about something like that,” Melanson added.

The Monarchs were still stricken with injuries however, as 1B Alicia Kurach was struck with the ball following a bad bounce off an errant throw from OF Chris Dew that left her day-to-day with a knee contusion. Kurach said that she expects to play in next week’s game and would take proper precautions during the upcoming week.

“I think it’ll be fine in a week as long as I don’t aggravate it,” Kurach stated confidently. “I currently have no plans to be on my knees this week.”

The team also learned prior to the game that two-sport star C/OF Mark Morris suffered a severe ankle injury suffered during a Gaelic football game and could be lost for the season. R Leslie Hierath also missed the game as she faithfully stayed by Morris’ side. Team Captain OF Travis Bouchard said that it was a double-edged sword having so many two-sport athletes on the team.

“Well, this is the risk you take when you have so much raw athletic talent on the team. On the one hand, that’s why we’re such a great team – this team just screams athletic ability, not to mention sex appeal,” Bouchard said. “But on the other hand, because our team is so skilled, they’re able to carry that over to other sports. We’ve got so many people who play other sports – Gaelic football, soccer, dodgeball, volleyball, ball hockey, and my specialty, athletic babymaking – that our risk of injury is naturally higher.”

New Team Jerseys
The Monarchs debuted their new team jerseys during their Week 4 game, a beautiful combination of black and white trim with the red Monarch logo on the front and the player’s number on the back, all of which is based on a yellow background. SS/3B Simon Chan was especially pleased with the new yellow jerseys.

“These jerseys are gorgeous! Even better, with these yellow jerseys, we look like a team of Asians. You can barely tell I’m the token Asian guy.”

Dingle Trifecta Makes an Appearance
For the first time in the history of ESSC slo-pitch softball, all three Dingle brothers played together in the same game.

“That was truly a special moment,” C/OF Brad Dingle said after the game. “The combined powers of the Dingle Trifecta is something to behold. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that we easily won the game. In fact, I’m surprised that the ESSC even lets three men the caliber of the Dingle Trifecta play together in the same game. You figure that would exceed the awesomeness limit for a team.”

However, the special moment did not last long because the revelation that B. Dingle had taken up smoking again quickly led to disharmony among the Dingle Trifecta. Other team members were noticeably silent as they hoped the issue would be resolved by next week without ruining team chemistry.

More Team Building
Following the resounding success of the “Bomb-fire” team building activity the previous Friday, assistant captain OF Travis Dingle announced a second team building activity. Various team members will be camping this upcoming weekend, but one team member remained confused.

“I don’t get the attraction of camping. I just don’t understand it. Sometimes, white people are weird,” Chan said.

Defensive Alignments Gain Nicknames
The Monarchs unveiled a new defensive alignment following the return of Kurach, Dew, and A. Dingle, and the absence of Morris and Hierath. In the infield, it was the surehanded Danger Twins womanning the right side of the infield, while Chan and Sturies alternated between SS and 3B to confuse the opposition. Teams have dubbed the left side of the infield “International Corner”, but some media have also began calling the entire infield “Grove Ladies And Token Asian Guy”, or GLATAG for short.

The Dingle brothers, Bouchard, Dew, and OF D.J Robinson combined to form a spectacular four man outfield, eschewing the traditional rover position. Not to be outdone after hearing of the infield’s nickname, Robinson and Dew could be heard settling on “The Male Whitewash” as the outfield’s nickname.

Return of the Love Muscle
Female Monarch fans were delighted to hear that departed 3B Russell Loga would be returning to the team for a short three game stint at the end of the season. Tickets have quickly been snapped up for these games as anticipation for the return of the “Love Muscle” builds. The reason for his return is sure to win even more female fans over.

“I heard how all my fans were disappointed with me leaving the team. They made me what I am today, so I had to come back,” Loga said in an emotional press conference announcing his return. “I also heard that some women were so upset, they resorted to hitting their children. If my return could prevent child abuse, I had no choice but to come back. Really, it’s all about the children. I’m doing it for the kids.”

Melanson’s Silent Protest
The feud between team management and Melanson escalated from the previous week. Although the Danger Twins have reconciled, tension between team management and Melanson boiled over in the Week 4 game. In an act of defiance that she blamed on her volleyball practice after the game, Melanson staged a silent protest by refusing to don her trademark pink hat that had become a favorite of Monarch fans.

“I have a volleyball practice after the game,” Melanson said. When questioned why she could not take the hat off after the game, Melanson became evasive. “I just didn’t feel comfortable wearing it. I haven’t broken any team rules, so I’m not sure why you’re asking me these questions. This was a one game thing. I can wear whatever I want. But you just tell the fans to not worry – I’ll wear the pink hat next week. Next week, I’m bringing sexy back.”

Monarchs Dig Deep against Mud Hen to Stay Perfect

Despite learning minutes before the game that the Monarchs had potentially lost All-Star C Mark Morris for the year the team was able to colect themselves and take to the field for their game against the Mud Hens Monday night. And facing a team with a -4 differencial and a 1-2 record the Monarchs were able to propel themselves to victory with a season high 3 HR effort by the offense and hot gloves by the defense. Plus they team was looking hot sporting their new Athletic Knit jerseys!

The team has send C Mark Morris to see a specialist in Cuba in a last ditch effort to get catcher back in time for the playoffs however the outlook right now is cloudy. Officially Mark has been placed on the 15-day. Also missing from last night's line-up, excluding hold-outs Jeff Beaton, Steve Shaw and Kristen Poohkay, were Leslie Hierath and Russell Loga. While the return of Loga is not expected for another few weeks, Hierath was missing for last nights line-up in order to be with injured Monarch Mark Morris.

With all of these players missing however the Monarchs were able to field a very competitive team. Last night all three Dingle's took to the field and the Danger Twins were reunited (and it felt so good).

The Mud Hens did an excellent job all night dropping the ball into the holes in the defence, which debuted its four outfielder shift, but the Monarchs were also solid defensively counting on big catches by RF Chris Dew and 2B Erin Melanson. The infield was also anchored by big throws from 3B/SS Simon Chan, and SS/3B Amanda Sturies. 'International Corner' as the team are calling the Italian and Chinaman duo made smart plays all night with big catches, big outs, and great teamwork. The Monarchs were also pleased to get its first out from the C position. And for all you trivia fans out there the correct answer to 'who got the Monarchs first out as a catcher?'-Brad Dingle.

In the outfield RF Chris Dew was the rock even though the team often left him on an island by himself. But also R Travis Dingle had a big catch and LF D.J. Robinson showed off his big arm often making precision throws into the infield to stop runners. Also in the outfield last night was CF Adam Dingle who was solid defensively, so solid he could even defend the reason it took him an hour to get to post game beers.

Rounding out the defence was team captain Travis Bouchard. Although he only recorded one out defensively at 3B he moved around thoughout the game almost playing every postion. Bringing instant strength to that area of the field.

Offensively the HR race heated up with a big 2 HR game by Simon Chan (3), and a 1 HR game from Travis Dingle (3), and Brad Dingle (1) getting his first. The Monarchs used timely hitting by all of their players and mixed up the long ball with a helping of small ball. The team scored runs in all of their innings and the team also showed killer instict after tying the game to never look back. Although there were no 'infield fly' disputes or slides into second the offense was still plenty exciting for the teams only spectator Ryan 'Redlight' Robinson.

This game also marked the first week inwhich there were no verbal disputes with the other team. Both teams played well and played hard. Although one fiery Italian, not to be named, did tell the Mud Hens firstbase player to 'F' off, (although she used the full word but parent read this and I intend to uphold some journalistic integrity).

Next week the Monarchs have thier home-opener against the Perfect Pitch @Malmo fieldhouse (115 st - 48 ave)