Monarchs Post-Games News and Notes - WEEK 3

By: Simon Chan
Post-Game Press Conference
At the post-game press conference, team captain CF Travis Bouchard said he was pleased with his team’s performance in their latest win.

“We really played hard out there. I was proud of our team’s performance, especially as things got more intense in the later innings. We weren’t at our best and not everyone was healthy but we still found a way to win. We just dug deep, gave 110%, followed the game plan, and left it all on the field,” Bouchard said as he flipped through a copy of Ryan Smyth’s Favorite Overused Clichés: 2nd Edition.

Injury Report
The Monarchs were once again riddled with injuries as numerous players were hurt during the game, which exacerbated an already thin lineup.

Both C/OF D.J. Robinson and SS Amanda Sturies aggravated their “Monarch Thigh” injuries from last week, but managed to stay in the game. R Leslie Hierath was more seriously injured with the Monarch Thigh, but after a pep talk from C/OF Mark Morris, heroically took the field as the Monarchs were without any girl substitutes for the game.

“It was unbelievable how she toughed it out,” Morris said of Hierath. “I always knew she had a big heart, and now the whole world knows too.”

Team management is concerned with the spate of Monarch Thigh injuries, and is thinking of using 1B/OF Chris Dew as the team’s fitness trainer.

“Chris’ vast experience in the art of pre-game lunging would be invaluable in preventing future Monarch Thigh injuries,” Bouchard said after the game. “We are seriously thinking of implementing a pre-game stretching routing for the team, and Chris’ considerable familiarity with pre-game lunging as a member of the world-renowned Team Gallo is definitely something worth considering.”

SS/3B Simon Chan was pleased to announce that after a post-game examination, his track pants had a little wear and tear after his daring slide into second base, but would be alright. The same could also be said for his body.

“The track pants are OK, I’m happy to say. I’ll be able to wear these again. These pants and I, we’ve been through a lot. My upper leg actually took the brunt of it. After an examination with Dr. Lookinmirror, I was diagnosed with a swollen right buttcheek that will be sore for a couple of days. I’m hopeful that at our team meeting on Friday, one of the pretty ladies on our team will massage it for me. If not, I guess I’d settle for a Dingle brother. All in the name of physical therapy, naturally.”

No Dingle Trifecta
For the third week in a row, the Monarchs were not able to field all three Dingles, as OF Adam Dingle missed the game with a vaginal sprain, possibly due to excessive overuse. The anticipation of the “Dingle Trifecta”, as they are being called, has reached almost mythical proportions.

“Nobody can really comprehend the power of the Dingle Trifectauntil you’ve been around it like I have,” Sturies said. “It’s overwhelming. A year ago, I went to the doctor because I wasn’t feeling well and was diagnosed with Dingleitis. I was told by the doctor that it was a new medical term to describe overexposure to the Dingles.”

Love Muscle Pulled
Monarch fans were upset to hear of the defection of two-sport athlete 3B Russell “The Love Muscle” Loga to an Edmonton men’s league soccer league. In particular, the strong female fanbase that Loga had developed over the first two games was disappointed by his departure. One specific female fan was so distraught at the game, she was seen hitting her young son with a slap upside the head as she realized that Loga would not be playing.

“I was just taking out my frustrations,” the muumuu lady said. “I was looking forward to seeing Loga in his hot 80s pants, especially with the great view of the field from where I was sitting.”

Bouchard was confident that the female fanbase would remain loyal to the Monarchs, however.

“Despite the loss of ‘The Love Muscle’, I believe we have some solid male eye candy on the team. And let’s not forget, we’ve still got the pythons,” Bouchard said as he lovingly kissed his right biceps.

Dew Debut
The game against the Moose Hammers also featured the debut of 1B/OF Chris Dew. He is a notorious lady’s man, as assistant captain 1B/OF Travis Dingle noted.

“We are essentially replacing ‘Hussy’ with Chris. While we are sad to see Russell leave, we all know Chris’ reputation with women, and Bouchard and I are confident that we will retain our strong female following,” Dingle said. “Do you think it’s any coincidence that in Chris’ first game, we found a pair of panties on the field before the game? I always knew that Chris liked to do lunges as a warmup before games, but I guess he took it to a whole new level.”

When asked if he knew how the mysterious panties wound up on the field, Chris grinned and said, “No comment.”

Danger Twins Split?
Notable in her absence during the Monarchs’ Week 3 game was 1B Alicia Kurach. While rumors were swirling that she was distraught from the departure of Loga from the team, the real truth was revealed by Bouchard after the game. Despite tremendous support for the noticeable leg kick in her swing, Captain Bouchard overruled everyone on the team and sent Alicia to see his hitting coach.

“I sent Alicia to see my hitting coach in Victoria. Her leg kick was just too much of a distraction for me, especially since I usually hit after her. When I see that legkick while I have my bat in my hands and I’m right behind her, it’s too much for me to handle and I can’t perform up to expectations.”

Kurach’s Danger Twin, 2B Erin Melanson, became upset as word spread of the preferential treatment that Kurach was receiving at the hands of Bouchard. She immediately threatened to sit out next week’s game due to a volleyball practice, despite the fact that the practice begins at 8:30. An unnamed source within the Monarchs organization said Melanson had a meeting with team management where she expressed her displeasure at being slighted, and demanded that she receive a second pair of sunglasses to compliment the fashionable look she has on the field.

“I just want the team to look good,” Melanson could be heard muttering to herself after emerging from a lengthy meeting with team officials.