Monarchs Playoff News and Notes

By Simon Chan



Mark Morris Returns, Explains Engagement

Making his first appearance at a team game since his off-field season-ending ankle injury was C/OF Mark Morris, who brought diehard Monarch fan Michael “Pickle” Finlayson to the game. Monarch team members were glad to see Morris make his return to the team, while media members were eager for details on his engagement to R Leslie Hierath.

“There was no way she could say no to my proposal after I explained why we should get married. I told her that my injury was a real eye-opener. My mortality became very evident – I’m not getting any younger. I look around the team, and we don’t have any future Monarchs to take over for this team down the road when we all retire, and I don’t see anyone else on this team making future Monarchs anytime soon, especially with Travis unwilling to pop the question to Amanda,” Morris said.

“Go to hell, Morris,” muttered C/OF Travis Dingle.

“And we can’t count on D.J. knocking anyone up since he’s busy giving The Shocker to random women around Edmonton,” Morris continued.

“I have yet to leave a woman unsatisfied,” OF D.J. Robinson confidently stated as he displayed The Shocker formation on his hand.

“So I told Leslie that to continue the Monarch legacy, we had to have kids. And I’m not having kids without getting married, so it was a natural progression to a proposal,” Morris explained.

“After I heard Mark’s thoughts about having some Monarch kids, there was no doubt in my mind that I was going to say yes,” Hierath said bubbly as she proudly displayed her new engagement ring. “I’m a team player – I would do anything to continue the Monarch legacy, and I plan on having many little Monarchs in the future.”

“I’m as much of a team player as Leslie is. Where the hell is my ring?!” SS/3B Amanda Sturies grumbled as she stormed off with a glum T. Dingle chasing after her.

Danger Zone

Spurred by the combination of Sturies and SS/3B Simon Chan being named “International Corner”, the Danger Twins have now dubbed the right side of the infield “The Danger Zone”.

The combination of 1B Alicia Kurach and 2B Erin Melanson provide a deadly combination of solid softball fundamentals, great communication, and a familiarity with one another unlike any duo seen on the softball diamonds of the ESSC.

“Just some friendly competition among GLATAG (Grove Ladies and Token Asian Guy),” 3B/SS Amanda Sturies said as she slipped some white powder into Melanson’s water bottle.

Brad Dingle Enters Rehab

Notable in his absence for the pivotal playoff game was C/OF Adam Dingle, while C/OF Brad Dingle is expected to miss next week’s pivotal championship game. No explanation was initially given for either absence, and the official box score listed A. Dingle as “Did Not Play – Personal Reasons”. When asked for further comment, team captain Bouchard issued a brief “No comment.”

However, an inside source who spoke on the condition of anonymity said their absence was related to B. Dingle’s newfound addiction to cigarettes, which was revealed in Week 4’s edition of Monarchs News and Notes. The source went on to say that Brad did not bring enough cigarettes on a recent camping trip to Crescent Falls and it culminated in an off-field incident where he was arrested. When confronted with the story, assistant captain OF Travis Dingle confirmed the rumor.

“Brad’s addiction to cigarettes has gotten progressively worse the last month, and it reached a breaking point on the camping trip,” T. Dingle said solemnly. “His desperation for cigarettes reached unimaginable depths on the trip, and it was clearly a cry for help. Therefore, Adam and I staged a Dingle intervention, and Adam tried to bring Brad to a rehab center. But Brad fought Adam’s efforts, and after a lead pipe, busted chair, bag of thumbtacks, and a greased up midget, police found Adam unconscious on the side of the road. We hope to have Adam back for the championship game, but are unsure at this point. Needless to say, our thoughts are with Adam through this difficult time.”

Travis was extremely reluctant to discuss the status of his brother Brad, and when asked exactly how desperate for cigarettes Brad had become, his response was a mystical, “Smokes suddenly had a lot more in common with cheeseburgers on the camping trip.”

When pressed about the status of Brad, T. Dingle explained his absence.

“I’m going to clear up all the rumors about Brad now, before the tabloids have a field day with it. After Brad was arrested for assaulting Adam, a judge put him in jail. But the sheriff decided to set him free and put him under house arrest, while allowing him to play in today’s playoff game. When the judge heard about this, he threw Brad back in jail, and that’s why he won’t be back for the championship game. It’s pretty much exactly like the Paris Hilton incident.”

The parallels to the Hilton incident are eerily similar, as Brad was crying hysterically throughout his return to the courtroom from his house in a police car, and when the judge ordered him back to jail for the championship game, he and even cried out, “Mom! It’s not fair!”